It's been two months since I took up this crazy job with Big Investment Bank. In the past two months I've lost count of how many times people have shaken their heads at me or called me crazy for being a banker and a mom to two small children. My parents very matter of factly let me know that am neglecting my children and told me to just walk out on my job. I sometimes ask myself why I am still here.
In my defense, I am not crazy. I didn't think the hours would be this bad. For the past two months I've consistently worked more than 100 hours a week. My days usually started around 9 AM and if I went home before midnight, that was a good day. Ending the day at 2 AM was very common. You don't find hours this bad even on the actual Wall Street these days (I work out of Hong Kong/Beijing). Furthermore, our group has the worst hours out of the whole firm here—I was almost always the only one working in the office past 8 PM. The situation was worse than anyone could have anticipated
I wanted financial freedom. After years of living in Silicon Valley, my sense of financial well-being has become warped. I always felt poor and constantly worried about money. I wanted to contribute to our family savings so we could someday afford a house in Silicon Valley. I also thought that if we saved up now, I could lay back and spend more time with the children when they are older.
Frankly, I like working and having a professional identity in addition to being a mom. However, nobody can keep this going even if you are one of the analysts who's fresh out of college and still have the stamina to pull one all-nighter after another. I can see the toll it takes on the people here. My analyst constantly sports panda eyes from too many sleepless nights and almost everyone here has an unnatural number of premature grays.
This is the first weekend I've had to myself and I better not spend too much of it on blogging. I'm struggling with the decision to make a change or to tough it out a bit more to see if it gets better. I dread having to tell my boss that I want out after such a short time and I dont 'think that I can use lack of work/life balance as one of the reasons. I am afraid that telling him that this job prevents me from being a mom to my children will forever impact his decision to hire other moms. I don't really know how a parent, whether a mom or a dad, can sustain this type of job for a long time. However, nobody makes much of a stink about male bankers who are also parents. I am guessing the breadwinner role is much more important to a man compared to his role as a parent.
I am at a loss for what to do next. I dread doing another deal where I'd have to work until 2 to 3 AM consistently, but I like the people here and I like the work when I'm doing it during normal business hours. Of course, I don't mind the pay either. But I don't want to die of exhaustion and I miss the children terribly.
