No matter what you think of Amy Chua, the original Tiger
Mom, you have to admire her audacity to share her story and then be judged by
the world. I know I wouldn't want to air
all my parenting trials and tribulations to pretty much anyone except for my
husband, juicy and entertaining (to other people, that is) material they may
be. Though I didn't think I agreed with
her parenting style, as my children have grown, I've found myself veering
towards some of her believes and practices.
For example, my children know that they can’t quit stuff without a good
reason, and that whatever they do, they have to work hard at it. However, after meeting some true blood tiger
parents, I've realized that I’m nothing but a soft-purring kitty mom, with no
danger of turning into a tiger any time soon or ever, simply because I don’t
have the energy or the resources to devote myself wholly to the education of my
children. These other parents are scary,
and their kids will eat mine for lunch at any kind of STEM competition. Actually, hold that thought. Given their existence, I’m not sure if my
kids will even want to go into any competitions with them.
The best thing about having native fluency in a language is
that you get to traverse between different cultures, and when it comes to
education, these cultural differences are more sharply pronounced. At Juju and Jojo’s school, I've talked to
some of the non-Asian parents. Most of
them are not too concerned about academics.
Sure, some of them do experience resistance to homework or hardship as
their children progress to middle and then high school, but they are not overly
worried. Some of them do supplement math
at home, but at least at the elementary school level I don’t know of any kids
who receive any outside tutoring. If
they did, they are covert about it and none of the children in their classes
except one show any abilities too far beyond their grade level. A few of them in fact cannot fathom why Asian
parents make their kids do so much. Quite
a few of these parents would rather spend the time having their kids play
sports. All sorts of sports, so many in
fact that sometimes I have trouble calculating how they shuttle their multiple
kids to their multiple practices and matches.
Nobody’s ever mentioned anything about having an eye on Ivies/Stanford,
though I’m sure some of them are plotting away (refer to recent article on
parents hiring application consultants).
Then, last week a friend told me about a Chinese parent
get-together to talk about the different schooling options around the
Valley. I was immediately piqued, and
even made my husband attend a major school event at the kids’ school so I could
be freed to go. First of all, let me
just say that Chinese people can do food.
There was a potluck lunch and for a mere $6 dollars we had a feast! There were buns, dumplings, homemade spicy
beef, veggies, and all types of desserts.
I know I'm going to the next event even if just for the food. Oh you want to tag along? Well too bad you didn't listen to your
parents and study hard at Chinese school!
OK, let’s stop the digression and get to the real topic.
Ever wonder why Bay Area real estate prices are so crazy and
who’s gobbling up multi-million dollar houses across the Valley? Well, there were 40+ of those reasons at the
meeting. These are not your Chinese
immigrants of the past. They are rich,
well-educated, and sophisticated. They've
been around the world a few times and now have chosen to settle down here for
the sake of their children. Some have
very respectable jobs and some don’t actually seem to have any kind of
job. When it comes to their kids’
education, they are well-informed, devoted, concerned and maybe a bit
overzealous and conflicted at times.
Some actually said out loud that they wish they could combine the
diversity of public schools with teaching quality of private schools with
flexibility of homeschooling. In other
words, they wish they could create an environment where their children could
have everything.
What struck me was that even though most of these parents
lived in the best school districts around here (Palo Alto, Los Altos, and
Saratoga), a third of them chose to send their children to this school named
BASIS in San Jose. It is by far the most
popular private school amongst this cohort of parents. I asked one Palo Alto parent how she dealt
with the commute, she said that there was enough critical mass here that they
can round up a whole week worth of carpool with other families. Another parent said that the curriculum at BASIS
was two grade levels above other schools, and that it was even more advanced
than actual Chinese schools in China!
These parents are also very strategic.
Some wondered out loud whether it was good to be a chicken head or
phoenix tail, which was the Chinese way of saying big-fish in a small-pond or
small-fish in a big-pond. Other parents
suggested going to BASIS for middle school, and then transferring back to
public high schools to become chicken head and ensure a ticket to the
Ivies/Stanford. In any case money never
seemed to be an issue when these parents talked about education. In addition to private schooling their kids
also attended out-of-area music, math and science camps.
Even amongst this fairly homogeneous crowd there was still
some diversity of thought. Some parents
voiced a balanced view, that it wasn't completely necessary to put kids in
private schools or tutor them to death. They
believed in being involved, and providing help where needed, but not making
their kids learn everything all the time.
There was also a fair number of overzealous tigers, who said that
getting As in school simply wasn't enough.
They had to medal at competitions to really prove themselves.
The general impression I got was that it was almost
impossible for these tiger kids NOT to be strong academically. At the earliest sign that they may be weak at
something, the parents will pounce on it and supplement, tutor and drill until
they become maestros. Are Asians really
naturally good at STEM? Of course not!
They just have parents who think it’s really important to be good at
it. And in this cohort, being good at
math and science simply isn't enough.
They need to be good at English, music, sports (some are serious
athletes), and leadership as well. I
wouldn't be surprised to see these kids crowd out second generation Asian
Americans at top universities, and many of them will break the mold and
stereotype of the quiet, one-dimensional Asian kid who got in because they were
good at math. Sometimes even I wonder
why it is so important for these parents to drive their kids to such an
extent. These are not chip-on-the
shoulder poor immigrants who needed their children to do well to get out of a
life of poverty. A good number of these
parents will probably leave enough money for their children to never work a day
in their lives. It was also interesting
that while people were impressed by parents who sent their kids to
Harvard/Princeton, it was the mention of a Stanford admit that elicited sharp
intakes of breaths.
To ye faithful readers, these parents may sound strange or
scary or even kind of repulsive, but for better or for worse, they are
dedicated, involved parents. In fact
they are keen to beat out the Indian parents in terms of being active in their
schools. From this group I've finally
heard the most coherent and comprehensive discussions on education. Sure, some of them are a bit much, but they
keep the conversation going, and they share resources on tutors, classes, and
activities. In many ways, I’m really
glad that I found this crowd. I will
just have to keep my meowing to myself while they roar their tiger roars. MEOW!
