Visit to the Den of the Tiger Parents

No matter what you think of Amy Chua, the original Tiger Mom, you have to admire her audacity to share her story and then be judged by the world.  I know I wouldn't want to air all my parenting trials and tribulations to pretty much anyone except for my husband, juicy and entertaining (to other people, that is) material they may be.  Though I didn't think I agreed with her parenting style, as my children have grown, I've found myself veering towards some of her believes and practices.  For example, my children know that they can’t quit stuff without a good reason, and that whatever they do, they have to work hard at it.  However, after meeting some true blood tiger parents, I've realized that I’m nothing but a soft-purring kitty mom, with no danger of turning into a tiger any time soon or ever, simply because I don’t have the energy or the resources to devote myself wholly to the education of my children.  These other parents are scary, and their kids will eat mine for lunch at any kind of STEM competition.  Actually, hold that thought.  Given their existence, I’m not sure if my kids will even want to go into any competitions with them.

The best thing about having native fluency in a language is that you get to traverse between different cultures, and when it comes to education, these cultural differences are more sharply pronounced.  At Juju and Jojo’s school, I've talked to some of the non-Asian parents.  Most of them are not too concerned about academics.  Sure, some of them do experience resistance to homework or hardship as their children progress to middle and then high school, but they are not overly worried.  Some of them do supplement math at home, but at least at the elementary school level I don’t know of any kids who receive any outside tutoring.  If they did, they are covert about it and none of the children in their classes except one show any abilities too far beyond their grade level.  A few of them in fact cannot fathom why Asian parents make their kids do so much.  Quite a few of these parents would rather spend the time having their kids play sports.  All sorts of sports, so many in fact that sometimes I have trouble calculating how they shuttle their multiple kids to their multiple practices and matches.  Nobody’s ever mentioned anything about having an eye on Ivies/Stanford, though I’m sure some of them are plotting away (refer to recent article on parents hiring application consultants).

Then, last week a friend told me about a Chinese parent get-together to talk about the different schooling options around the Valley.  I was immediately piqued, and even made my husband attend a major school event at the kids’ school so I could be freed to go.  First of all, let me just say that Chinese people can do food.  There was a potluck lunch and for a mere $6 dollars we had a feast!  There were buns, dumplings, homemade spicy beef, veggies, and all types of desserts.  I know I'm going to the next event even if just for the food.  Oh you want to tag along?  Well too bad you didn't listen to your parents and study hard at Chinese school!  OK, let’s stop the digression and get to the real topic. 

Ever wonder why Bay Area real estate prices are so crazy and who’s gobbling up multi-million dollar houses across the Valley?  Well, there were 40+ of those reasons at the meeting.  These are not your Chinese immigrants of the past.  They are rich, well-educated, and sophisticated.  They've been around the world a few times and now have chosen to settle down here for the sake of their children.  Some have very respectable jobs and some don’t actually seem to have any kind of job.  When it comes to their kids’ education, they are well-informed, devoted, concerned and maybe a bit overzealous and conflicted at times.  Some actually said out loud that they wish they could combine the diversity of public schools with teaching quality of private schools with flexibility of homeschooling.  In other words, they wish they could create an environment where their children could have everything. 

What struck me was that even though most of these parents lived in the best school districts around here (Palo Alto, Los Altos, and Saratoga), a third of them chose to send their children to this school named BASIS in San Jose.  It is by far the most popular private school amongst this cohort of parents.  I asked one Palo Alto parent how she dealt with the commute, she said that there was enough critical mass here that they can round up a whole week worth of carpool with other families.  Another parent said that the curriculum at BASIS was two grade levels above other schools, and that it was even more advanced than actual Chinese schools in China!  These parents are also very strategic.  Some wondered out loud whether it was good to be a chicken head or phoenix tail, which was the Chinese way of saying big-fish in a small-pond or small-fish in a big-pond.  Other parents suggested going to BASIS for middle school, and then transferring back to public high schools to become chicken head and ensure a ticket to the Ivies/Stanford.  In any case money never seemed to be an issue when these parents talked about education.  In addition to private schooling their kids also attended out-of-area music, math and science camps. 

Even amongst this fairly homogeneous crowd there was still some diversity of thought.  Some parents voiced a balanced view, that it wasn't completely necessary to put kids in private schools or tutor them to death.  They believed in being involved, and providing help where needed, but not making their kids learn everything all the time.  There was also a fair number of overzealous tigers, who said that getting As in school simply wasn't enough.  They had to medal at competitions to really prove themselves.   

The general impression I got was that it was almost impossible for these tiger kids NOT to be strong academically.  At the earliest sign that they may be weak at something, the parents will pounce on it and supplement, tutor and drill until they become maestros.  Are Asians really naturally good at STEM? Of course not!  They just have parents who think it’s really important to be good at it.  And in this cohort, being good at math and science simply isn't enough.  They need to be good at English, music, sports (some are serious athletes), and leadership as well.  I wouldn't be surprised to see these kids crowd out second generation Asian Americans at top universities, and many of them will break the mold and stereotype of the quiet, one-dimensional Asian kid who got in because they were good at math.  Sometimes even I wonder why it is so important for these parents to drive their kids to such an extent.  These are not chip-on-the shoulder poor immigrants who needed their children to do well to get out of a life of poverty.  A good number of these parents will probably leave enough money for their children to never work a day in their lives.  It was also interesting that while people were impressed by parents who sent their kids to Harvard/Princeton, it was the mention of a Stanford admit that elicited sharp intakes of breaths.   

To ye faithful readers, these parents may sound strange or scary or even kind of repulsive, but for better or for worse, they are dedicated, involved parents.  In fact they are keen to beat out the Indian parents in terms of being active in their schools.  From this group I've finally heard the most coherent and comprehensive discussions on education.  Sure, some of them are a bit much, but they keep the conversation going, and they share resources on tutors, classes, and activities.  In many ways, I’m really glad that I found this crowd.  I will just have to keep my meowing to myself while they roar their tiger roars.  MEOW!