The Ticking Clock

I used to think the phrase "the biological clock is ticking" is a cliche bordering on offensive to imply that sooner or later women get baby-crazed and that we are just objects with a timer to procreate. Lately though, I'm starting to suspect perhaps this expression merits closer inspection as I think my own biological clock just started ticking.

Maybe it's a bit hard to believe that as a mother of two I was never really interested in children until now. I also never really had a strong desire to have children but because I'm a planner I thought it was a good time to have children when I did. Of course I always loved my children but I did yearn from time to time, quite strongly, for my former childless life.

Because of my inherent lack of interest in children, I felt like a bit of an imposter when I hung out with my mom friends. While they genuinely seemed to like and care for my kids, I couldn't say the same for theirs. There was no question that as a mom you are decreed by the sanctity of motherhood to watch over other moms' children, but the little bit of enthusiasm that I could conjure up while I did it with was definitely feigned. I'm grateful that my mom friends were forgiving enough never to call me out on it but I always felt a sense of guilt. I realized that I didn't really like children, felt bad about it, but there was nothing I could do. Even towards my own children it was out of a sense of responsibility that I dutifully fulfilled my motherly obligations.

However, lately, perhaps it's because I've had to do a temporary stint in another city away from the kids, I'm starting to hear the tick tock. When I see a parent pushing a stroller I can't help but look inside to get a glimpse of the occupant. On weekends I watch families carrying their little ones around, wishing I can just go up to them and hold their babies for a while. On days when work is dull I sit at my desk reminiscing about the days when the children were young babies while processing thoughtless tasks.

Maybe it's just that I've been away from home for too long, but I don't think it's as simple as that. I've been away from the kids before, and while I missed them, I was not more interested in children in general. I wonder, had I had my children now, perhaps things would have been easier? Perhaps it is a good thing that the clock does tick.