Does It Ever End

Today was an especially tiring day. As I sighed deeply while rubbing my eyes at my desk, L, one of the office secretaries, looked over and rolled her eys, "Geez, aren't you being dramatic."

I have rarely, if ever, received any sympothies on my workload or hours. L once said to me that if she could do what I could and earn as much as I did, she'd laugh out loud even in her dreams. I masked the mixture of feelings I experienced upon hearing her words with a mild smile. What could I say, really? That despite having my degree/pedigree, job and pay, I'm a pretty miserable human being overall? Upon saying that ibanking sucks to a childhood friend, that friend promptly posted on my Facebook wall that I shouldn't complain because that was what I should have expected out of this job. And then, on occasions I care not to keep track, people have always expressed only if they had what I did--only if I had your English-Chinese proficiency! Only if I had a perfect family like yours! Only if I had your position and pay! Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I am, really am, deeply thankful for what I have. But it hasn't been easy getting here and it takes a lot of work to maintain what I have. That English-Chinese proficiency that people seem to envy? I didn't learn English until when I was already 12, and when I did, it was because I swore I'd learn it so well that my American classmates wouldn't point and laugh at "the Chinese girl who couldn't speak English" anymore. I was one of the first Mainland Chinese kids to arrive in the US (at least legally, I think) so I had the honor of serving as a novelty for my American peers. I carried a notebook and a Chinese-English dictionary everywhere with me to capture all the English words I didn't know and memorized English passages so I could recite them outloud to get my facial muscles used to speaking English. When I finally let go of my dictionary two years later, it was almost in shreds from frequency of usage. By then, people assumed I was American born upon meeting me for the first time.

And getting good grades to get into a good college? I was placed in an honors class for seniors when I was a sophomore in high school, quarter of the way through the school year, and almost flunked my first test. The teacher said, Asian often don't do well in that class. I vowed for an A to shove into her face. For the next quarter, on holidays and weekends, I would sit for eight to ten hours straight going through the textbook and notes in preparation for the next exam. I received one of the only two As at the end of the year in that class.

And getting into the GSB? I was working in banking at the time and I'd work on my application after work and sometimes wake up at 4 AM to keep going at it, and then still report to work by nine. Not to even mention being a really good little worker-bee to please my bosses for those excellent recommendations.

And that perfect family? While working my 60 to 100+ hour a week job, I also need to remember to schedule my daughter's lessons, pay the nannies, pay the school, talk to the teachers, buy groceries, figuring out why they are acting up...I won't bore you with the rest.

My story isn't unique. My classmates, my colleagues, my husband and friends, the overwhelming majority of which are overachievers. They've also shed their fair share of tears and sweat. When I was young, I thought it was so that I would have a fulfilling life later. Am I fulfilled? I ask myself. I am and I am not.

I love my family and fear for their wellbeing keeps me in the rat race. I fear that if I don't earn as much and progress on my current track, I won't be able to provide a good education for the children so that they, in an ironic-oxymoronic way, can follow my path of good graces->good college->good grad school->good job->good pay. I fear that if I don't earn a living, my husband would crack under the enormous amount of pressure he already shoulders in our partnership to support our family. My family is my source of joy and at the sametime the indirect source of my misery. It is what matters to me most but I don't have enough time to enjoy it.

I've worked hard all my life and yes, I do admit, I'm pretty lucky compared to the majority of the people in the world. But I'm really tired, and I don't know how much longer I can really keep going. Some say that I'm just too greedy. But I almost never spend money on luxuries for myself and I just want to provide financial stability for those whom I care for.

The other day, as I was getting ready for work, Juju, my lovely three-year old daughter, asked me not to go to work so she could spend more time with me. I laughed, and said, Juju, if I don't work, what will you eat? She looked up at me with her liquidy eyes, anxious to change my mind, and said, I don't need to eat much, and we still have fruits at home! The things that kids say... It was a heart-wrenching moment for me and I paused to ask myself, am I in overkill in my pursuit and ambition for financial gains? Does being in such demanding jobs really end in overall gain for my family?

I guess time to think about the hard questions...only, I need the time to wrap up a few more things at work. Still no end in sight.